i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
