Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
