I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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