Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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