even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
