i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
