Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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