As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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