God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
