Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
