so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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