If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
