I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
