I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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