Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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