my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
