I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
