Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
How does it feel to date your dad?
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