my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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