oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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