Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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