he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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