I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
