i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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