The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
