I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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