We're facebook friends in real life
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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