so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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