"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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