his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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