Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
