I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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