Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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