Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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