The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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