Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
