Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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