we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
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Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
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He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?