In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
