dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
