I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
