He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
