I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
