I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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