Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
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CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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