Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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