god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
