she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
