i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
