so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
