ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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