Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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