Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She even gives head with a lisp.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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