Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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