So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
